Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
