yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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