Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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