so that wasnt chicken after all
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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