im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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