meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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