WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
