isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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