I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
