Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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