dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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