No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
