what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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