Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
