That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i out mim tonsoeep
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