marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
