he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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