I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
