I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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