He uses pillows to masturbate.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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