I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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