I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
