I'm gonna have a badass scar
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Even my vagina gasped.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
