I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We talked him into tasing himself.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
