come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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