im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I seem to have left my pride at pride
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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