I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
