Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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