i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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