I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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