I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
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