he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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