I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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