I met the friendliest cop last night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's like heaven, but drunker
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
