Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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