Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
