listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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