cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
