My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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