connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
