I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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