I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
