I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
