There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
