Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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