I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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