i can't believe i had my finger in that
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
