Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
