You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
