I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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