I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
