I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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