I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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