Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
