i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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