Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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