I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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