Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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