peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
