I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
