you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
