Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
