I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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