you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
