put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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