Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
