Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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